Why is it so hard for women to promote themselves?

I was speaking yesterday to an incredibly accomplished woman. Articulate and beautiful, she’s the CEO of a major Phoenix corporation AND the director and founder of an extraordinary nonprofit serving women and children in need.

During our conversation, she said something that I hear all too often from women business owners.

“I don’t like to promote myself.”

Over the years, I have heard this CONSISTENTLY from highly successful women clients. These take-charge creatures who never hesitate to go after what they want can’t stand to tell the world what they’ve managed to accomplish. It’s fascinating, but also a mystery.

What the heck is going on?

What’s interesting is that my male clients, for the most part, have no issue with self-promotion. They will gladly tell others of their successes, and not in a boastful way. It’s all about making others aware of what they’ve managed to achieve, and that’s not a bad thing.

I was working with a successful young woman attorney a couple of years ago who told me, flat out, I don’t want to “sound like I’m bragging.”  Fair enough, but how will potential clients know what you’ve done unless you tell them? It was almost like she was ashamed of her accolades.

This has been puzzling me for so many years that I decided to try to figure it out.
Back in the day (and I say that since I’m old, or at least oldish), I was taught to be “seen and not heard.” 

I remember my mother saying this (while my surprisingly forward-thinking dad always told me the opposite). Girls were to be pretty and quiet, polite and sweet.

As the only girl in the family, I was even told (again by my mom) to “purposely” lose to my brothers in board games. Something I never did because I was pretty darn good at Risk and Monopoly and many a game board was tossed across the living room when I won.

Could these old-fashioned notions still be holding women back? That you shouldn’t compete with boys and not bring attention to yourself? That it wasn’t feminine?  I was even told that boys didn’t like smart girls when I brought home straight As.

In a time when more women are obtaining higher educations than men and are in the workplace more than ever before (and in high-powered positions, mind you), they still have a hard time telling others “Hey, I’ve worked hard, and I deserve some recognition.”

 I like to think that Millennials and Gen Z (not sure about Gen X) don’t even have an inkling that these attitudes used to prevail, but I’m not sure.

With my Millennial daughter, I always downgraded the importance of appearance and tried to focus on academic achievements and extracurricular activities like sports. In her instance, the sports part of the equation usually came out ahead since she has a great arm (softball).

Women need to know that it’s OK to be successful. It’s perfectly fine to tell others, “I did this.” Own it. If you do something great, you have every right to talk about it! Don’t be so humble. If anyone else thinks you’re bragging, it’s their problem, not yours. Let them be jealous of your achievements, but don’t dim your light due to their opinions. If they don’t like it - tough.

Think of it this way. Your story, and your achievements, can be an inspiration to others. Why deprive them of such a gift?

One of the best parts of what I do, marketing and public relations, is that I get to brag about others. I get to say the things that people are reluctant to say about themselves. I get to be the cheerleader and tell the story for them. Rah, rah!